In 2022 I was really depressed.
In 2022 I was really depressed.
Honestly, I even didn’t realize how much at the time…
I knew I wasn’t happy
I knew something wasn’t working (or a lot of things)
I knew the alignment and trajectory of my life was falling off…
I chose to barely even sell anything in my business that year because I felt so out of integrity and inauthentic. And that’s not how I roll.
My depression was situational…
My coaching business was not yet paying the bills and in February 2022 my steady-every-weekend dance account got cut due to post Covid entertainment budget changes. So, I went from working full time in my business + managing a team of dancers, putting together fun costumes and having a blast dancing every weekend – to months of job hunting and landing what would turn out to be the absolute worst + most toxic job I have ever had in my entire life!!!
I’d been living in a moldy house for 2 years at that point and was convinced the house was making me sick (it was). I had also discovered I was dangerously deficient in iron – so I felt tired and weak ALL THE TIME. And, I had developed a severe upper back and neck pain that absolutely terrified me. All of this made it so much harder to work out regularly, no matter how hard I tried. And – something was causing my gut to go crazy out of whack + I was having spotting every month. I felt like I was falling apart… and it scared the crap out of me.
Meanwhile, on top of it all – I was not happy in my relationship. This was the hardest part by far. It was hard to even ADMIT this to myself. Ugh. But I LOVED THIS MAN. So much. I still love him to this day. And he is a great man. But I wanted – needed – more depth. More intimacy. More connection. More conscious relating. More tantra. More GOD in our relationship.
*God is not meant in the religious sense – Source Energy, Spirit, Goddess whatever suits you*
I knew that the job, the house, the lifestyle – and probably my precious beloved partner – were no longer in alignment for me and that choosing my highest timeline would require me to leave, let go and drastically change the way I was living… yet again.
Well, fuck.
I know very well that evolution is always on the other side of hard choices.
But I resisted so hard.
I didn’t want to let him go.
I didn’t want to go through the hassle of moving.
I didn’t want to look for a new job.
Did I mention I didn’t want to let him go?
Everything else was just an excuse. I subconsciously CHOSE to stay in the horrible job so that I could blame the job for my depression and misalignment + deflect from the relationship.
I also blamed him for all the places he could not meet me.
I blamed him because I didn’t want to leave him… I didn’t want to lose him.
If he would just BE WHO I NEEDED HIM TO BE.
But oh, wait… never mind… that’s not unconditional love Lauren…
So, for a little while, I chose to shove my feelings down (I know, literally goes against EVERYTHING I KNOW, BELIEVE IN AND PREACH). I ignored my longing for depth of intimacy… I numbed my sadness + pain. I brought out my happy-go-lucky as much as I could.
But best believe my resentment showed up in the relationship. And it certainly wasn’t making things better. I was becoming an entitled partner whom I did not recognize nor like.
I knew I could not keep up the charade…
I needed TRUTH.
So, I ended 2022 in devotion.
I chose TRUTH as my word for 2023 and I devoted myself to it. I asked for anything in my life not fully rooted in truth to fall away. Knowing full well what I stood to possibly loose.
My devotion was not just to truth but also to fully surrendering. Letting go and letting God.
And WOW did the divine show up in my life big time.
I was guided to remove everything in my life that had been (knowingly or not) a coping + numbing mechanism. I had to let myself fully feel the pain + longing to find what the truth was under it all.
I was also guided to the most aligned mentorships + trainings to support me through all of 2023 – in feminine embodiment, womb healing, somatic alchemy, pattern work, leadership + business.
And let me tell you… I started 2023 in complete survival mode. Old patterns of scarcity + lack had crept up in 2022 and I was so worn out from the horribly draining job. I had almost NO support or mentorship in 2022 and saw no way of affording to invest in myself in 2023…
LO fucking L.
I ended up making the biggest + most premium investments in myself EVER.
Fully and divinely supported.
Miracle after miracle.
I bet on myself BIG TIME. In full trust.
And then, on May 12th, I went on a hot girl walk (steal my HGW playlist here) to open my channel for creating and instead came to a profound knowing – it was time to let my partner go.
For me…
And for him.
Because liberation is never one sided…
And this partnership was no longer THRUTH.
As terrifying as this realization was – I declared it to one of my mentors + the women in my mastermind. I was giving myself until the end of the year MAX to make the split.
AND THEN GOD TOOK OVER.
One week later, to the day, I had a chance encounter that would show me very clearly what was available + a match for me on the other side of doing the scary, but true, thing.
And exactly one week after that began the process of breaking up.
Then things went quantum. It was as if I was being carried. The most beautiful synchronicities, miracles + WILD mystical experiences kept happening – life was FULL ON.
I went from the numbness of 2022 to FEELING EVERYTHING:
The most excruciating grief + fear all the way to the most expansive and pure bliss + love.
AND I COULD HOLD IT ALL.
My capacity was stretched in so many ways.
My devotion to truth was tested over and over.
I was faced with BIG fear and was able to meet it, be with it and keep going anyway. Fully trusting in the mystery of life – leaping into the void of the unknown.
I let grief completely crack me open.
Letting pure divine love fill me.
I let myself be initiated.
I came completely undone…
I let go of old, outdated identities…
I moved out of the moldy house. I reclaimed my health sovereignty.
Oh… and a month before the break-up, I quit the job.
Like on the spot.
I didn’t even have a new one starting.
(10/10 don’t recommend, my nervous system was a wreck about it lol)
But honestly, it was better than staying in the job that literally took me months to recover from. The job that had so clearly been an absolute FUCK NO in my body. I could no longer ignore it.
The next 6 months were a whirlwind.
Our breakup and move spanned until October…
And it was the most beautiful uncoupling process.
Why?
Because of truth.
I finally shared my full truth with him in June, and he responded by finally sharing his with me.
Truth transformed our breakup and suddenly we found ourselves in the depths of intimacy. There was SO MUCH intimacy (and great sex) in our breakup. All the intimacy I had been craving, I was now receiving because I shared my truth.
Truth meant that our partnership would have to end.
But there is more intimacy in separation with TRUTH than there is in togetherness without it.
Just, wow.
And since fully letting go 3 months ago… life has become soooo magical.
The intimacy + connection in ALL my relationships has deepened.
With sisterhood, friendships, community, family – and men.
The masculine has been showing up for me in such divine + mind blowing ways.
Alignment has been sharpening and as the dust settles, I feel this supple spaciousness and slowness at the core of everything. Even now, early December as I write this in the middle of my busiest season (Sept-Dec), there is a stillness to it all.
I feel this supple space within my body – it’s in my movements, it’s in between my thoughts, it’s in my awareness – this flexible, open, calm, expansive ability to slow down + move with intention.
I’ve released so many patterns of survival + scarcity + rigidity this year… patterns that protected me and saved my life for many years and were deeply engrained.
Oh, and that back pain I mentioned?
Long gone. My body feels more open, flexible + fluid than it has in 8 years. My skin is glowing, my hair is thickening, my breath is deep and full. My gut is balanced + the spotting stopped. I feel VIBRANT and so alive. I’m still human. I have my moments. But I’m devoted to my health.
This feels like a whole new level of healing and BEing in presence.
I owe this to my devotion to truth along with all the work I’ve done – the somatic work, the feminine embodiment, the womb healing, the pattern work… the self-love.
So, here we are.
Approaching 2024.
My word for this year is ‘(Temple) Body’ and it is a twofold devotion:
1. Devotion to taking the concept of my physical body as the Temple to a whole new level and treating my body like a Temple in EVERY way possible.
2. Devotion to my BODY of work – my service, my brand, my leadership, my business – as the Temple + vessel for the divine to pour through.
I’m so excited you are here with me. This year is going to look a bit different. Expect more: free offerings, in person offerings, value packed emails, intimate spaces + content on the topic of RELATIONSHIPS.
What’s coming next?
My new 1:1 offering – Truth & Devotion.
But for now, Happy Holidays + New Year…
I love you.
❥ xo, Lar
P.S. I wrote this weeks ago (early December 2023) but I took off from working throughout the holidays to celebrate and be with loved ones. I wanted to take the time to break this long story into bite sized pieces to share with you over multiple emails to start the year!
(And to create this blog post for those of you who wanted the whole story NOW!)
The weeks to follow only got BETTER, fuller + more nourishing.
That will be a story for another time…