I LET HIM TIE ME UP.

I have not quite fully landed yet…

The past two weeks have been a PORTAL.

I arrived home on Tuesday from the jungle and then spent the week laid up with a fever!

It broke today (though I'm still in deep rest + integration) and I just realized IT'S FRIDAY and Heart Note time. Because I am here, devoted to you, no matter what.

And babe do I have a JUICY story for youuuu…

The very night that I wrote you my last Heart Note (February 29th) and confessed to you that I was terrified of everything I ever wanted – I leaned into an experience that blasted me open to receive sooo much more of life through pure surrender and letting go of control (control I didn't even realize I was holding on to)

I let a male friend whom I DEEPLY trust do shibari on me.

Shibari is Japanese Rope Bondage. I let someone tie me up. And this is HUGE for me.

Let me tell you why – I'm claustrophobic AF and FREAK OUT if I cannot move my arms or legs. I literally cannot even stand sitting in the middle seat in a car (yes, I know, I'm the tiny one – and I'll take the window seat please and thank you!!!)

But my trust in this man's ability + capacity to hold me through anything that came up in the experience of facing one of my biggest fears – the inevitable anxiety, maybe even panic – was so big that I had been feeling an unexpected ping of desire for this…

So when he uttered the words “can I tie you up?” after we had just finished an intimate conversation sharing our deepest truths – my response was a big fat “YES, and also I'm terrified”

But I felt so safe with him, I was leaning in.

He went slow… and told me what to expect…

He would tie up my chest first… then my arms behind my back.

When he started tying my arms I began taking deep breaths as a preventative measure for anxiety and WHOA – I suddenly realized that the rope around my chest was preventing me from breathing deep and I began to panic…

He backed off, untied my hands, gave me space to breathe with my arms free – and suddenly, with free arms, the constriction of my chest no longer felt life threatening…

“Hmm, you really have a thing with control huh?” he says to me…

“Not that I was aware of” I reply back.

I breathe some more and he offers sensual touch, breath + caresse… I instantly melt into him and feel so safe to let him continue…

He ties up my hands behind me again.

This time I don't panic… it's not easy, yet… but easier.

He finishes, I ask him to take pictures.

Then he decides, it could be prettier in the back…

So I let him continue… which means creating more knots that would need to be undone to free my hands… I feel the sensations of nervousness begin to arise in my body… but I allow it and lean into trust, safety and the sexiness of it all.

I BEGIN TO TRULY SURRENDER.

Next thing ya know there's part of the rope tied around my neck, we are taking more photos and playing… I COMPLETELY SURRENDER and let him use the rope as a handle… “you have full control now, do what you want with me” I say to him devilishly.

It wasn't sexual… but it was sensual and sexy AF

He pulled me into the bedroom to be in front of the mirror and it was HOT

After a little while he asks if I want him to let me free…

“Not yet” I said (surprising even myself)

This experience rewired my nervous system with such a depth of trust in the masculine as I allowed myself to fully surrender and let go of control – because I was truly safe with this man.

So many men of my past (not all) have tried to control me… some succeeded for a while.

There was a part of me that was TERRIFIED to let go of control, because it didn't feel safe. I would NEVER let myself lose control of my life again. But when we hold onto control we cannot fully surrender, fully open and fully receive.

Later that night I received in such a big way, something I had been so resistant to. Something I had been wanting, desiring, craving SO BADLY for so long but was not allowing myself to receive. I had been terrified of everything I ever wanted.

I let myself surrenter and receive it all.

I let life in.

I let pleasure in.

I let it really be this good.

All damn two weeks of it… letting myself receive.

Letting my manifestations become more instant + effortless.

Blowing my mind more and more and more (I'm still mind blown)

So my question to you is this:

Where are you holding onto control?

Where can you surrender and open to receive?

Where do you still not feel safe to soften and let go?

That is where the work is…

'Cuz baby,

IT GETS TO BE THIS GOOD.

Let it.